Trusting God with a Broken Heart

May 3, 2024

5 min read

I felt sorry for her. She was just a student doing a practicum. And yet, here she was sitting behind an ultrasound machine trying to find some explanation for why our baby was under developed and had a silent heart. As soon as I saw the ultrasound image I instinctively knew that our fourth child had passed away. I knew what a 12 week old baby should look like. There wasn't a mistake in my calculations. I fought back the familiar burning tears that were threatening. I didn't want this poor girl to feel any worse than she already did. A second tech came into the room to verify our loss and then both kindly scurried around printing off pictures for us to take home and extending their condolences. Once again we walked, red eyed, out of the ultrasound centre and made the long drive home with my husband quietly humming the tune of "It is Well."

The next morning I sat listening to a similar song which had become very important to me. As it played the lyrics wrapped around my heart:

"So let go my soul and trust in Him, the waves and winds still know His name.

Through it all, Through it all, My eyes are on you...and It is Well, with me."*

The nausea and vomitting in this pregnancy had been horrible and the doctors had assured me that everything was likely "fine" because of it. However, the blood work and pregnancy loss referrals in the ER that night told a very different story. When we arrived home I again found myself in the bathroom sick. My flesh screamed at God, "WHY?! WHY am I still throwing up when my baby is dead!!! Couldn't You have made this at least a little EASIER??!" Tears streamed down my face as I slumped next to the toilet. In the moments that followed my heart understood that I could focus on the devastation of death or I could turn my eyes to the God Who has victory over that death. The one would lead to anger and bitterness while the other would lead to peace. Through the tears the words bubbled out of me, "Through it all, Through it all, My eyes are on you...and It is well, with me."

Over the course of the next two days I called my employer to make arrangements for some time off and picked up my mom from the airport. The night after her arrival we were sitting together looking at a necklace that I wanted to purchase as a memorial for our 4th baby. It was a plain silver bar inscribed with, "IT IS WELL." I hadn't ordered it yet due to the fact that we hadn't named our baby and I was considering having a name engraved on it. While we sat there looking at it my mom said, "Maybe you should just go ahead and order it. You may find that you will need it's reminder sooner than later." At her wise advice I began placing my order. As I made my selections a ding sounded letting me know that an email had been delivered to my computer. I ignored it. Seconds later a second alert sounded. Again, I ignored it. Finally my purchase was complete and a third ding told me that my order confirmation and tracking information had been delivered. As I opened my inbox my eyes fell on the two emails that I had ignored. They were from my employer and the subject line read, "Final pay" and "Employment." It was two sentences long but it took me several times of reading it to grasp that those two sentences were ending my employment. No clear explanation. Just terminated. In the course of two days I had lost my baby and our main source of income. I don't remember the following hours very well. I know I cried and sat staring in complete disbelief. I also clearly remember my mom laying her hand on my knee and saying, "And just moments before receiving that news, what did you order?" As though God finished her sentence I thought, "Through it all, will it be well with your soul?"

How is it that anyone can lose a child, spouse, job, friend, or relationship and say, "It is well"? Certainly not because they are strong people who personally mustered up enough faith. Even the "best" of Christians would collapse under the weight of these. The ability to truly walk through the valley of loss and death with complete peace is by knowing the God who has sovereignly orchestrated this valley and, by His strength, anchoring one's full confidence and reliance (i.e.TRUST) to His truth.

My friends, as long as we live on this Earth everything around us will be broken. Our trust and peace doesn't come from our circumstances becoming pleasant. We do not say, "It is well" and mean that all of life is hunky dory. One look at the news will remind us that this world is temporary. It is spiralling towards destruction and falling apart at the seams. That is why we experience hurt, betrayal, and loss. Yet, change is coming. Because of Christ's death God has redeemed His chosen one's and will one day stop all death and grief and pain. Now and for all of eternity we can anchor our confidence in God because He has said, "I have loved you with an everlasting love (Jeremiah 31:3)." Now and for all of eternity we can rely on His goodness because we are promised, "The Lord is good to all, and His mercy is over all that He has made (Psalm 145:9)." And now and for all of eternity we must "hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful (Hebrews 10:23)"? Why must we? Because we are assured that a day is coming when, "There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away (Revelation 21:4)." It is only when we, by the power of the Holy Spirit, trust the faithful, everlasting God Who knows all things that we can truly find hope and peace in the midst of the excruciating and exhausting trials we experience.

It will probably come as no surprise to you that our fourth child was given the name Trust. This is the lesson that we have been learning and from it comes a peace we cannot explain. It doesn't meant that everything is ok. In fact, my heart is broken and I ugly cry on a daily basis. However, we know the God who will one day restore all things and when we place our trust in Him it gives us the ability to say, "It is well with me."