The First Battle - Victory

 "Are you ready?" The nurse asked as she prepared to push the scarlett red medication into my veins. I nervously chuckled. "As ready as I can be," I replied while my mind was seriously questioning what exactly I was supposed to be ready for. We chatted about nothing as the nurse slowly administered syringe after syringe of toxic chemical. 

I felt fine as we left the cancer centre and began our trip home, yet, within about 15 minutes I was beginning to feel the effects. It was as if I was at the very start of a rollercoaster. Minute by minute I was coasting toward a drop with a severity that I could not predict. Then the plunge. A careening downward toward a bottom I couldn't see.

A free fall into darkness.

Nausea.

Sickness.

Terrifying dreams.

Faces like clouds drifting in and out.

Nausea.

Days...Becoming Nights...Becoming Days.

Nausea.

Then a breath.

Like surfacing from a deep dive light flooded my consciousness and clean air filled my lungs. A victorious moment in which I knew I had survived the first battle. Hour by hour my body is gaining strength and stamina. What seemed overwhelming yesterday morning was normal by evening. What was unthinkable last night is completely doable today. Despite my younger sister's instructions not to "push it" I made the choice to join my family at church on Sunday. While it definitely was not the wisest adult life choice I knew I needed to be there. I needed to celebrate. I needed the refreshment of my soul. I needed to see other followers of Christ holding fast to the hope set before them. 

There were a lot of tears and hugs. I also will say right now that I have not missed masking for a moment and I abhor it. I don't care how cute or fashionable my mask is...it doesn't make it any more comfortable. As the service ended Andrew and I agreed that we should quickly make our exit after the service to protect my energy levels. We should have known that was a silly notion since everywhere we turned someone was asking to pray with us. The love that flooded over us was astounding and the encouragement we encountered in our brokenness soothed our battered souls and renewed us for another week. It never ceases to amaze me how the love of other followers of Christ produces an re-energizing that is otherworldly.

We have had a massive amount of things happen in the last two weeks which can only be explained as God's ever present help in trouble. One of our closest friends agreed to rearrange her entire life to take on the part time care of our girls for the foreseeable future. The gofundme page has raised enough to allow us to afford part time help for the present which will provide our girls with structure and security. A complete stranger reached out and offered to help us in any way that she can which will provide a back up option to childcare should the need arise. I found the statement, "The Lord will be your strength," scrawled on the back of a washroom door just prior to having my PICC line placed. Two sweet friends came and prayed, cried and laughed hysterically with me while my hair was shaved. Another dear friend administered my white blood cell shot at home and I experienced NO side effects (Yes, this is the shot that is supposed to cause horrible bone pain)?! 

I know the list contains more than that but the mental fog has not completely lifted. What I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that I have been seen by an Almighty God. He has heard my cries and groans. He has held me through the valley of the shadow of death. He has been my defense when I could not hold a shield.

I'm fearful of next time. The nausea is still not gone. I have no idea how I will get through another treatment let alone seven of them. But that is the mountain and I'm not asked to move it. All I'm asked to do is put one step in front of the other today with the grace God gifts me moment by moment and climb. To trust Him. Yesterday Andrew was recalling our first hike with Eva once she could walk. How he held her hand, helped her over the roots and rocks on the path and showed her the glories of the "new to her" world around her. We were both struck by how similar we are in our childlike weakness and how kind our heavenly Father is. How He gently holds our hand and guides us while showing us the glories of the path which, on our own, would seem daunting. Just as Andrew knew that the path he and Eva journeyed held not even a hint of threat our Heavenly Father leads us with the same lack of fear or concern. Consider for a moment that the God carrying us through the storms of life is the same One who slept in a boat while the seas around Him raged. Which leaves me to ponder... Why waste the energy on fear? Is it not far more valuable to pour my finite energy into marvelling at the glories of this untraversed path? To bask in the serene radiance of the Divine? I believe it is in this place that a new facet of the Father's love is set ablaze and we delve deeper into the complex truths found in the statement, "Perfect love casts out fear (I Jn 4:18)." If we, who have been rescued from punishment through the mighty love of Christ, know this Father then let all fear of threat, discomfort and defeat vanish. For we are loved with everlasting perfection. So, my dear reader, stand firm.