Staring Down the Devil

The last few days have been hard for our family. We have a game plan for a game we don't want to play and if someone had shared this "plan" in any other context their sanity would have been called into serious question. Yet here I sit with a bulging binder full of papers and instructions and a super speed timer that is laughing at me as it ticks down the hours until my first meeting with the Red Devil.

Spoiler alert, we both know I won't be ready when I run out of time. 

My first introduction to Red Devil was in 2020 when my sweet sister went into her war against cancer. As we all know there is no such thing as "gentle" chemotherapy but Red Devil has earned its name for a reason. Apparently it is such a potent drug that administration at the wrong speed results in a disintegration of the surrounding artery and fatal internal bleeding. Let's be real, there are moments when I'm glad I'm not in the early trial runs of medical "oopses" where they discovered these terrifying facts. My prior conversations with surgeons and doctors had led me to hope that clear lymph-nodes would allow me to escape this demon and pursue a different course of treatment and, in theory, it did. At my chemotherapy appointment on the 10th I was offered two different treatment options. Both carried the same side effects but one was more intense and unsurprisingly more successful. After discussion Andrew and I felt that if I was going to experience all the side effects anyway it made more sense to pursue a course of treatment that had a higher survival rate and would provide a bit more assurance that I will not have to enter this fight again. So, I willingly consented to 8 treatments of chemotherapy in a dose dense administration over the course of 16 weeks. In short, I will receive one treatment every two weeks for 16 weeks and my first four will be Red Devil. As I will not have the typical third week to allow white blood cell recovery I will also receive a white blood cell booster after each treatment. This booster will be incredibly helpful but comes with the side effect of extreme bone pain for the first few days. 

I'm told a typical cycle of treatment to look like:

* Chemo (absorbing approximately half the day on wednesdays)

* 72 hours of severe side effects including nausea, vomitting, fatigue, weakness, mouth sores, potential neuropathy...and just about any other effect you would expect to see from someone who just drank poison.

*24-48 hours of severe bone pain after booster administration

* 7 days of feeling "good"

* Repeat the cycle

I did fairly well holding my emotions together until someone came in with a stack of paperwork and started excitedly rattling off this that and the other. "This is your blood work requisition. You'll need to do this X amount of time before your chemo but not sooner than X." "Call THIS number not that one because we have priority so you won't book the way you used to." "You'll need to take all these drugs and not eat this or do that one hour before your treatments." "Make sure you schedule this appointment for 24 hours after X to have this done." "Oh! And now lets talk in detail about how to give yourself injections." 

Cue the tears. I don't do needles. Stick them in me all you want but don't make me look at them and there is no way in the world I'm going to take one and jam it into my stomach. Sorry...thats a hill I'll die on. My sweet husband is sitting behind me assuring me that he can give me that injection and suddenly I'm struck by the irony that I was 1000% ok with him delivering my baby (yes, he did...but thats a different story) but there's no chance I'm letting him give me an injection. 

We scoop up the piles of paperwork, thank the overly excited nurses and walk like zombies to the car. Within minutes the phone calls start pouring in. This appointment, that appointment, this medication coverage program, that confirmation of referral. My life is suddenly not my own and no one cares if I need to drive my daughter to dance or serve my family dinner. Find a different solution because now I'm required to be at an appointment at 5:15. As I head out the door yet again the kids whine, "WHYYYYYY do you have to go to the Dr. AGAIN?!?!?!?" 

Because I'm being prepped for a fight with the devil. That's why. 

Monday I will have an echocardiogram to check my heart health prior to treatment. I'm nervous about this since I have always had a weird little heart murmur that happens when I get too much sugar, super tired or stressed. Its not a typically a huge deal but with all the stress recently its been bothering me more than usual. I'm praying it won't be a problem or cause a delay in the start of treatment. Tuesday I am scheduled to have a PICC line put in which will be my chemo access until I can have a more permanent port placed in a few weeks. I will also have blood work done on Monday or Tuesday to make sure I'm good to begin on Wednesday. Finally, I will receive a call on Tuesday with my chemo time Wednesday. All of this seems fairly straight forward...until you throw three kids under six in the mix...

The heaviest weight in all of this is my children. Their mom is going to suddenly be far less present and even unable to care for them for stretches of time. Their dad will be continuing to work full time and going with me to chemo treatments as much as he is able. We've been praying about the potential of hiring a nanny to help be my hands and feet over the next few months in an effort to create a more stable routine for the girls. Since my chemo times will vary and I will move between capable and incapable it would be less to think about if we were not having to also manage a varying caregiver schedule, the potential of exposure to more germs than manageable, and so on. However, hiring a nanny is very expensive. After hearing of the situation we suddenly found ourselves in a friend contacted us to ask permission to create a gofundme page specifically geared toward funding a nanny. We are praying that God would make it clear as to whether or not we should proceed with this option. If not we know that He will also guard and protect our girls through inconsistency because He loves them more than we ever could. If you feel led to help with this area of concern you can check out our page here

I find the analogy of staring down this new chemo in a war against cancer to be very fitting for life. I keep contemplating this image of the followers of Jesus, clothed in the armour of God, staring down Satan as he threateningly looms before them. The beauty of this image is that these armoured warriors are tethered to Christ who has already won the battle against sin and death. No matter how intense the fires of hell get the warrior knows they cannot be destroyed. So as I stare down this new journey knowing that no matter the outcome, the threats, the attacks, the perceived success or failure Jesus has already won the battle against my brokenness and one day I'll look back on this war, bathed in the light of His presence and will say, "My victory's in the Saviour...Thank you Thank you I've been saved...Hallelujah, Oh my soul! It will not ever let me go. Hell my rage but it will hold. I'm tethered to the cross."

https://youtu.be/g4EJq00_4yQ?si=We3QlBuckYDEtWWF