Ready To Fight

Today is the first day in over a month that I haven't cried once. The last few days I've been pushing a little harder than normal as Andrew will be returning to work next week and I'll need to be able to manage mom life on my own. By "pushing it" I mean sitting at the table for all of my meals, trying to do the girls school work with them and taking a shower. I'm not shovelling snow or even doing laundry and yet this small push caught up with me today and I spent the afternoon curled up in a chair trying not to throw up. Yet, despite all that I still had my first day without tears and it was the first day that I've had a fire in my belly to fight. 

Yesterday was the first day that I had visitors over for tea and not just to "adultsit" me. Despite being exhausted yesterday afternoon I asked one friend to come over because I knew I needed her wise counsel. We are fairly new friends but she somehow knows me insanely well already and has a very loving, big sisterly way of getting you to put on your big girl panties. 

When she arrived she dove right into my heart. She asked questions, listened to a massive amount of self-pity, graciously let me emotionally vomit on her and cried hard with me as she heard my fears and panic. But after a while she gently and lovingly started pointing me back to truth and these were the things that, I believe, changed today. 

1) Perfection isn't My Job 

There's a very good chance that I will not respond to this trial perfectly. In my pride I'd love to be the next perfect Christian but in reality I'm going to fail and it'll probably be ugly. YET, God hasn't promised to work all things for my good as long as I do my part. God receiving glory through this doesn't rest on me to accomplish. God WILL work all of this for my good and His glory and I can't screw that up (Is 61:3 & Rom 8:28). So now that this massive weight is off my shoulders lets move on.

2) Fighting for Life Honours God

I've been feeling as though fighting is worthless. The "what ifs" have almost crippled me. WHAT IF I go through all of this and the cancer comes back? WHAT IF I fight with everything I have and it's not enough? WHAT IF I fight super hard, am declared cancer free and get hit by a car in the parking lot? If God is sovereign over it and has numbered my days then what is the point? Isn't it a power play for control to try to do extra treatments "just in case"? But my friend and my beautiful mom have both spoken very important truths into these questions and I've found my reason to fight. 

    First, there is a good chance that my girls will be faced with similar trials in the future. I need to fight well so that they can see an example of what it means to cling to Christ and run with endurance the race set before us. I need to teach them through my example that I am frail but God is infinite. I have unknowingly worshiped a desire to be the only one's my girls would run to when trials come but what use is that if I will one day leave them? I must teach them how to hide in the Hesed of God - His steadfast love that endures forever.

    Second, what's the worst that could happen? I could fight with everything I have and die. Honestly, that end result could not make me more excited. Not that I'm itching to die but I ache to be in the presence of God and free of all the broken darkness of this world. So I can give up and pretty much ensure I leave my kids and husband wondering why I loved myself more than them OR I can take the time I've been given to fight viciously. Whether I beat the cancer and get the opportunity to see my grandkids someday or I find out that God's numbering of my days was much sooner that I anticipated the outcome will be worth it. 

    Third, God made me and gave put me here to flourish. Earth isn't a holding place I have to endure until He finally sets me free. It's a place designed full of beauty and pleasure and mind blowing creativity. Fighting for the life He made recognizes the inherent value I have and honours God as my Creator.

3) One Day at a Time

When I look at the full gamut of what this fight will entail I get very overwhelmed. The logistics easily begin to feel crippling. The thing is that I'm not being asked to figure out the logistics for anything more than what I know. Today I was informed that my next big surgery will be March 1st. My husband will be working and I'll need to get a ride to and from the hospital and find someone to watch my girls. But thats all I'm called to deal with right now. I don't need to think through March 2nd or 3rd. I don't have to figure out April or June. I will be given grace and provisions for those when I get there. Today I've been given grace only for what I know so that's my focus and I'll trust that God will give me the strength for it all in His time.

Pastor John Piper once said, "Occasionally weep deeply over the life you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Then wash your face. Trust God. And embrace the life you have." 

My head is up. 

My eyes are focused.

Let's fight.