New Opportunities for Fear

I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble hear and be glad. 

Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together!

I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them. Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him! Oh, fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him have no lack! The young lions suffer want and hunger; 

but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.

Come, O children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the Lord. What man is there who desires life and loves many days, that he may see good? Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit. Turn away from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.

The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous and his ears toward their cry. The face of the Lord is against those who do evil, to cut off the memory of them from the earth. When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.

He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.

Affliction will slay the wicked, and those who hate the righteous will be condemned.

The Lord redeems the life of his servants; none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned. ~ Psalm 34

I love public speaking. Yes, you read that correctly. I'm weird like that. I learned in university that I got a high from presentation day in speech class and decided then and there that public speaking would be my dream career. What I DON'T love is having to live out what I (very publically) preach so I guess its a good thing that my dream career has never become a reality.

A few weeks ago I was given the immense honour of speaking for a "welcome back" women's dessert night hosted by my church. I was presented with this opportunity back in the spring and had felt strongly led by the Lord to share from Psalm 34. It was a Psalm that has rolled through my head over and over again as I've walked this cancer journey and it seemed to tie well with what the Lord was impressing on my heart. That night I unloaded all that the Lord had been teaching me about trusting Him in hardship, knowing Him deeply and finding my anchor in Him when fears battered my soul. However, that night I also shared all this with a heart that was ignorant to the news I would receive a few days later.

The following Monday I had a routine pelvic ultrasound done. Since my BRCA1 mutation carries a high risk of ovarian cancer (and it has shown itself in my BRCA1 family line) I have these every six months just to make sure we are free and clear. To this point I had never had a discovery of any kind come back from one of these ultrasounds but this time proved to be different. The report showed a "nodule" on one of my ovaries that required further testing. It is possible that it is just a "complex cyst" but they weren't going to take any chances. My doctor requested an urgent MRI and a few days later I received a date for JULY of 2025. Again, you read that right. Sigh. I pursued the idea of a private MRI but the door didn't open. I called my OBGYN and was given an appointment date of December. It truly felt as though the Lord was putting the breaks on this and asking me to trust Him without fear. To be still and let Him fight for me. A few days later the OBGYN's office called with an adjusted date four weeks out but at least it was in October. I took it.

My oncologist was not excited to see this new development and stated that she expected that my OBGYN would not bother to pursue an expedited MRI but would likely offer surgery instead. This was something I was planning to do anyway but had hoped to wait at least a year before pursuing as it has major life-altering ramifications. While the sinking feeling in my gut was real the assurance that God's timing has proven better than mine allowed me to hand my plans over to Him with a willing heart.

A week later I had another routine screening (this is my life now) to check for skin cancer. Again, they found a sketchy spot on the back of my leg. This is a spot that dermatologists have been drooling to remove since I was a teenager but this year my dermatologist was able to show me physical proof that the spot has changed and it is time to go under the knife. So, on October 29th I will be having an operation to remove said spot and have it tested for cancer. This train ride is fun y'all. Sure you don't want to jump on with me??

A couple of days after that I received a phone call with more pleasant...if you can call it that...news. My breast reconstruction date is set for November 1st and I will be going back in for major surgery to finish up the process that set this whole whirlwind in motion last January. While no one loves surgery I am actually looking forward to having another thing completed. Plus the general anesthesia lets this mama sleep like she's 15 again so that's another perk. Even if I do wake up feeling like I was backed over by a car afterwards.

The few who know all of this have asked me how I'm doing with it. 90% of the time my heart is still and I'm ok. 10% of the time I'm wrestling with anxiety, crying in my closet or considering if I should start planning my funeral. I still run out of energy quickly from chemo. My nails are falling off on one hand. I'm in menopause from the chemo and that's not my favourite experience in the world. There are always moments to grumble about. But I also have been held so fast by my Heavenly Father that I'm doing well overall. I would appreciate your prayers as the end of the month/beginning of November comes up. Pray for wisdom, a continued quiet spirit and that I would submit to the Lord's timing in all of this.

Below you will find a recording of my talk at the ladies' dessert night. I pray it is an encouragement to you and that you know that it comes from the heart of someone who is suffering with you. You are not alone and are loved.

Rachel