Mothering in the Infertility Valley

Note: The following post was originally written in 2017 after the loss of 4 precious humans. We have since been gifted with 3 living children and 1 more baby who was taken prior to birth. I pray that it encourages you despite the fact that I have crossed through the valley outlined below. For, my dear friend, God is faithful while you are in the valley as well as on the other side....

I have a secret...I'm not a big fan of children. Weird, right? I know. I can even hear your brain thinking, "then why do you keep getting pregnant?" 

It's a good questions and one I've spent a mind numbing amount of time thinking about. 

In all fairness, I don't dislike kids as long as I can give them back to their owners when they require maintenance or I get tired of playing with them. But I was never the woman who sat around dreaming of snotty noses, grimy hand prints, or toys laying around like a Toys R Us factory exploded in my living room. And vomit?? Seriously, I'd be the mom packing her kid on an airplane and sending them (alone) to Nana at the first sign of the flu. I don't volunteer to teach Sunday School because I would rather stick forks in my eyes than have someone lock me in a room with sixteen 4 year olds. Just the thought is making me panicky... So why on earth do I sit and cry when the doctors tell me they can't find a reason for our infertility? Why do I melt inside when I see parents with their children at the park. Talk to any of my close friends and they will tell you the questions are real. It took a lot of counsel and study, as well as an incredibly influential little old lady, to help me find the answer. 

God has burdened me deeply with a burning desire to impact the next generation with the Gospel for His glory and honour. 

Looking back I've come to realize that this was the reason I desired to give birth to a baby and grow our family. Yet, when loss after loss struck I found my focus shifting. Tossed around in a world of grief I found my mind obsessed with a fear of being broken. I was jealous of my friends and desperate to be "normal." I wanted what I couldn't have and became bound tightly in the pursuit of my own desires. Regardless of what stage of life we find ourselves in, I think this is an easy thing to have happen. This is because our natural self weighs heavily and craves it's own desires. It is only through the supernatural work of God that we have any hope of our hearts changing and obsessing over His desires. Can I be honest with you? My personal desires almost made me lose my mind and my life. They are beasts that hide in the shadows innocently deceiving us into believing they are healthy. But then, a miscarriage happens. An adoption fails. A family member becomes deathly ill. And those secret and "innocent" desires come raging into the light with all their strength and bondage. My beasts broke me to my knees and left my world spinning. So many questions. So much anger. And honestly, so much rebellion in my heart. In the midst of my addiction to the fulfillment of my own desires God gently and mercifully held me. He softened my heart to one of repentance and taught me some beautiful truths that have transformed my thinking. I wish to share these briefly here. 

"Go therefore and make disciples of all nations..." ~ Matthew 28:19

This is definitely not the passage any of us would typically go to when considering parenting or seeking comfort in infertility. But bear with me. When Christ spoke to His disciples here His primary command was, in short, make an impact for the sake of the Gospel. Regardless of what stage of life you are in, you have been given a command to impact the world by sharing the truth of God's Word and making disciples. Of course this applies to adults, but how much more so the generation of children we so often overlook? Could it be that if God has given you a desire to have children, that desire could more effectively be interpreted as a burden to impact the next generation for the sake of the gospel? Consider then that if God has temporarily or permanently shut the door to having children, He has left the desire in part to spur you to action in discipling others that He places in your life.

"When God gives you a burden, just go." ~ Aileen Colman

In May 2017 my husband and I sat in front of a specialist and were told that there were no evident explanations for our losses. The specialist's best suggestion was that we keep trying and statistically one of our babies should eventually live. While he assured us this was one of the best possible outcomes to the extensive testing we had endured, I was not overjoyed. The prospect of becoming pregnant again and walking that valley is terrifying to me. The burden to have children was stronger than ever but the idea of becoming pregnant again was the last thing on earth I wanted to do. I was so confused why God would give me such a strong desire but then put such a huge road block in our way. In the midst of this confusion I had the privilege of attending a luncheon featuring speaker Aileen Colman. She shared her story of 60+ years on the mission field as a single woman. Over her life she experienced many times when God burdened her heart only to seemingly leave her confused regarding His will. Yet her advice regarding such moments in life was, "when God gives you a burden, just go." Don't let the logistics hold you back. He is not a God of confusion and He will close the door if it is not best.

Suddenly it all clicked in my mind. God does not give a burden and then prevent you from carrying out the desire He has for you. This may not look the way you believe it should, but it will look exactly the way He desires it to. Since the doctors have not told me to stop becoming pregnant I will keep moving forward until God clearly shuts that door. In the mean time I need to be looking for ways to invest in college students, teens, children and infants for the purpose of advancing the Gospel. 

How might this play itself out? Titus 2 directs us well:

"...teach what is good and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled." 

I have plenty to learn in these areas from the women who are older and more mature than I am, but I also have the ability to invest in women younger than me in teaching many of these same characteristics regardless of their marital status. If God has given me a burden to impact the next generation, I must consider how to model and disciple women to know and love God. Through writing, coffee dates, prayer, and God's Word I have the tools to encourage them in their spiritual walk to be self controlled, pure, kind, submissive to authority, and honouring to God's Word. 

Or consider Paul's words to Timothy:

"I am reminded of your sincere faith, a faith that dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and mother Eunice and now, I am sure, dwells in you as well...Continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from who you learned it and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus." 

I Timothy 1:5, 3:14-15

Children are one of the most impressionable and pliable minds on this earth. While we under estimate their ability to learn, their brains are growing at such a rapid rate that they have the capacity to experience the impact of God's Word in amazing clarity. So if God has given you a desire to have children, but has seemingly shut the door, recognize that the desire He has given you can be used in mind blowing ways within the lives of your friend's children. What are some ways this looks practically? Well, I'm volunteering in nursery because it gives me an opportunity to minister to moms, build relationships, and impact the next generation through love and truth. Consider setting up regular coffee dates with a teen in your life to teach her how to walk through this crazy world with the truth of God's Word as her sword. You may even find that God has placed you in a season to foster a child and immerse that child in a home filled with the love of Christ. The possibilities for accomplishing this are innumerable. Dear friends, I would love to encourage you to pray and ask God for wisdom as to how He would have you use your burden. Ask Him to take you from a place of resignation towards His desires and give you a heart that delights fully in His plan and desires. Oh friend, He will do it. I can testify to that. And He will use you mightily for His glory. Take heart for you have great purpose and hope.