If You've Never Lost a Baby: 15 Injurious Phrases to Avoid

When deep suffering strikes someone that we love it often leaves us at a loss as to how to respond.  Miscarriage is no exception. Some will try with best of intentions to say something "helpful" and more than not will end up saying something incredibly hurtful. Others will avoid the topic all together and "sweep it under the rug" in an effort to avoid making it worse. Unfortunately, this response communicates to the suffering woman that she is isolated in her grief. 

Ephesians 4:29

"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, 

that it may give grace to those who hear."

In Ephesians 4 Paul discusses the unity that must be present within the church due to the sacrifice of Christ. When believers demonstrate gentleness, bearing with one another in love, patience, and an eagerness to maintain peace, they image Christ to a hurting world. As a result,  those who do not believe hear the truth of the gospel lovingly proclaimed and the body of Christ is knitted together in the bonds of that love. In this God is greatly glorified. It is interesting then that several portions of this chapter, including verse 29, make clear that the very words we speak are a key to the building up of the church and the glorifying of God. It is imperative that the words spoken to those who are suffering pour from a heart that is focused on God rather than a heart that is seeking it's own wisdom.  The remainder of this post will mention 15 phrases which have actually been used and flow from the wisdom of man's heart. 

Words That Wound

1) "Obviously there was something wrong with your baby so God took it."

This statement  undermines the incredible and sovereign handiwork of God. In essence, this statement concludes that God is the cosmic factory technician who has no part in the initial process of formation and then weeds out the "mistakes" that come by on the conveyor belt of nature. Psalm 139 says, "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made...Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them." We must understand that God does not take unborn babies off this earth because there was something wrong with them. God took them off this earth because he had numbered their days from the foundations of the world. Yes, it is likely that there was a problem in the baby's DNA, but this was not an unexpected result of God taking his hands off the situation. Rather, while we cannot begin to fathom the extent of God's purposes, we do know that God sovereignly had planned for that little life to make a huge impact for the gospel in the lives of those living. 

2) "You're young and can always have another one."

For those who believe that life is valuable, no matter how small, this statement diminishes the treasured life of the child that is gone. Nothing can take the place of the life that was growing inside of her. Nothing can replace such a treasure. Would we ever say to a grieving widow, "Oh, don't worry...you can always find another one"? Beyond that, the one speaking is a human being and does not know the mind of God. Women are not exempt from the curse and live in broken bodies which do not always fulfill the purposes we as humans deem "normal." We cannot know the mind and plan of God and it is possible that He has planned that she will never have another baby.  What we can know is that God will shower her with the grace that is needed to face the pain of this loss. Her broken condition is a reminder that this is not her home and that God has redeemed all of her, including the body that failed her.

3) "I know you'll have a baby in the future because I've been praying for it."

This again addresses the truth that we cannot know the mind of God. To make promises that God will accomplish something that is not found in Scripture is to hold out a shattered cup and promise a cool drink of water. The words ring hollow and empty. God is not a genie that can be manipulated by our prayers. Our "faith" which is produced only because we want something is not pleasing or appealing to God. Taking time to pray with the hurting mother regarding her pain and desires is far more beneficial.

4) "Don't be sad, heaven just gained an angel."

To delve into this statement would require an entire explanation of the study of angels which this blog doesn't provide space for. However, I must mention that there is no where in Scripture that babies who die (or any human for that matter) are said to become angels. Rather, Scripture indicates that angels are full grown male soldiers, distinctly different from humans (Psalm 8:5, Hebrews 2:6-8), who act on behalf of God. 

5) "Now our babies are playing together in heaven!"

This statement again rings hollow because Scripture is silent on the issue of what activities babies participate in after death. What we do know is that heaven is not a place of "having fun" and "playing" but it is a place of worship before the throne and unhindered relationship with God (Isaiah 6:1-3, Revelation 4).

6) "Before you know it I'll be hugging you as a momma."

Why is it that we so often try to read the mind of God as if we are His equal? We cannot tell the future for only God is omniscient. In addition, the woman who has miscarried has a child who has passed away. Regardless of the status of a baby's life it is still a baby and this woman is a momma.

7) "Did you learn from your last miscarriage what 'not' to do? Have you figured out what you did that caused you to lose your last one so you don't do it again?"

One of the most nagging questions that plagues a woman's mind after miscarriage is, "What did I do to cause this? What could I have done to stop it?" Realistically, God's hand alone was on the life of her child and nothing that she did or didn't do would have continued that life. We are not the givers of life and cannot add even a minute to a life that has been predestined to end (Luke 12:25). Even if that life lasted only 6 weeks and 1 day. 

8) "I honestly don't care what the doctor's say. If they didn't see a heartbeat at 6 weeks then your baby has died because we saw our baby's heartbeat at 5.5 weeks."

For those who are threatening a miscarriage but have not actively started miscarrying there is always a hope that their baby will be ok. I found that even as I was bleeding I was begging God to breath life back into their little bodies. It wasn't until the process was over and my womb was empty that I allowed that prayer to cease. Regardless of your past experience, or even your vast medical knowledge, it is far better not to give your opinion on what could be happening inside the body of another. Those seeking to minister grace to the hearer will not strip away the flicker of a chance that the doctors have said is possible. Sometimes the best way to  use words that fit the occasion is to say nothing at all.

9) "You would have been smarter not to tell anyone until you knew you were at a safe point of your pregnancy."

The body of Christ is commanded to "bear with one another in love" as seen in Ephesians 4:1. This is not the bearing of the things that convenience us but the things which push us to a place of severe inconvenience. Such a statement communicates that this woman's suffering has put others in a place of discomfort and therefore should have been kept to herself. A second problem with this statement is the naive belief that there is ever a "safe point" within a pregnancy. While the 12 week mark is a time when the risk of miscarriage seems to decrease from a scientific aspect it is common for women to lose children at all stages from conception through the first year after birth. God is the giver of life and we must not assume that reaching the end of the first trimester in pregnancy some how prevents a baby from dying.

10) "I'm so glad to hear that you're over this and moving on."

Romans 8:29, II Corinthians 12:8-9 and other passages teach that everything God does in the life of a believer is producing a purpose of making us more like Christ and displaying God's glory. I would argue that it is therefore wrong, even in accordance with what is evil, to "get over" the events of our lives and pretend as though they didn't happen. To put away a time of great suffering and act as though it never happened is to downplay the working of God and pretend that our circumstances are simply freak occurrences which have no bearing on our future. While my circumstances should not define me or cause me to become bogged down and unusable for the Lord, they are the things which have shaped me and molded me into the image of Christ. I hope I never "get over" the work of God in my life and "move on" from being made into His likeness.

11) "If you are dealing with depression right now that's sin. Depression comes from dwelling on sinful thoughts. What wrong thoughts are you focusing on that are causing you to struggle so much?"

Again, to address this topic in detail is beyond the capabilities of this post. However, I will say that not all depression is the result of sin. What few realize is that a woman's body after miscarriage responds very similarly to a woman's body after the birth of a full term baby. Her body recognizes that a baby was growing inside and that this baby is now gone. As a result it is not uncommon for Post-Partum depression to occur. Compound this intense hormonal shift with the abyss of grief that comes from losing a child and depression in it's severest form is to be expected. I can attest that focusing on "good thoughts" doesn't make much of a difference. Ways to help her through this darkness will be discussed in future posts. 

12) "Look how 'Jane' handled her miscarriage. She was always fine because she trusted God. Maybe it would be helpful if you talked to her!"

God has designed human beings to be beautifully and distinctly unique from one another. As a result, every grief journey will look different and will be uniquely suited to that individual. The mother who has miscarried is often left gasping for breath as she seeks how to handle the agonizing pain she is experiencing. When she looks around and sees other women handling their miscarriage with "no problem" on the outside she is left deeply discouraged. The reality is that "trusting God" doesn't automatically make everyone's grief journey pain free and fabulous. "Jane" may actually be just as lost and hurting but may have better skills of hiding her emotions in public. This statement places a heavy weight on the shoulders of a hurting mom as it indicates that she is doing something "wrong" and that "being fine" would be better for everyone. In turn, a mask is forced over her face every time she leaves the house...and the vulnerability and transparency that should be present within the family of God is hindered.

13)  "It's time to give yourself a good swift kick in the pants and get over it. Just sitting around feeling sorry for yourself isn't doing yourself or anyone else any favours."

I think that the prior explanations above adequately address this statement. It should be mentioned here that a grief journey should be expected to last (in it's severest form) for a MINIMUM of 1 year. Occasionally tough love is required to help those who have become trapped in a despondent place of wanting to give up. However, this is very rare and must still correspond with the requirements of Ephesians 4:29. Consider what is kind, building, and grace filled about your speech. Will this build her up and show her the love and compassion of Christ? Will this shower her with undeserved favour? Will what I am about to say strengthen her to continue forward in faith under the exhausting burden of her grief?

14) "That thinking is unbiblical! You need to focus on truth!"

There are moments in our lives when suffering becomes so intense that it shakes us to the very core of who we are and forces us to re-evaluate everything we've ever believed. Our circumstances can shout out to us that everything we believe about God is false and we are left fighting for our faith. This isn't necessarily a bad thing of if our faith was never tested how would it become stronger? The safest place a miscarrying woman can be is in the company of friends who will not judge her. The above statement leaves a woman thinking, "DUH! Help me!," though on the outside she will probably just agree and shut down. Ways to help will again be discussed in future posts. However, rather than accusing and commanding, a grace filled individual can speak truth and ask questions such as, "How do you think God feels about your baby's death?," and, "What does it look like to trust Him right now?"

15) "Well, we know God only does what is good so you just need to trust Him."

Speaking truth into the life of a hurting friend is a wonderful tool that should be practiced. However, truth will sound empty and meaningless if it is flung at a problem in a "hope it sticks" manner. Do you know how that truth you are speaking applies? Do you know how God is producing good through this situation? Do you know what it means to practically trust Him in this situation? If not, don't share the concept until you've figured it out. When you can stand before her and say, "I know this doesn't take away the pain, but God's Word tells us that He is working in this situation to make you more like Christ. He is expanding your platform so that you can demonstrate His compassion and love to a whole new audience. Other people are watching you and are being pointed back to God because they see His grace in your life. I don't know all of His purposes, but I know he is being glorified through this and is producing all of these good things through it. Don't give up."

If you know someone who is hurting today can I encourage you not to ignore their pain in a fear of saying the wrong thing? Take some time to pray, ask God for guidance and direction as to what to say, and then give them a call. Maybe all they need is someone to listen.