If This Is Goodbye...

Originally Published January 2024

Tomorrow morning. Surgery is scheduled for 7:40AM. It's supposed to snow there and back and roads are supposed to be garbage on the way home. 

I keep trying to draft letters or posts but words keep running dry. There were so many things I wanted to do. People I wanted to specifically connect with. I'm out of time. 

The closer this surgery has gotten the more overwhelmingly I've felt this crushing belief that I'm not coming back from it. Not coming back?

I know for sure that the woman who walks into that operating room won't leave it. Whoever is wheeled out on the other side will be changed forever in every way. Physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. You can't go through a fire like this and resemble yourself on the other side. 

Not coming back? Who knows. Logically this is not a dangerous surgery. 3 hours. Straight forward. Yet, that feeling. The one that has urged me to write goodbye letters to my girls, organize the gift drawer so everyone gets what was intended for them, and inform my husband where to find everything my girls will need. 

My girls. I'm listening to one cry herself to sleep. She just wants to hug me and tell me a never ending string of "I love you"s. Like she knows I'm not coming back. 

So let me just say this incase I don't get to say it again. I love you. YOU. The friend who was "unlikely" and happened through a random playdate. YOU. The friend who didn't want to give me a chance but did and now is family. YOU. The friend who invested in my kid's life and then changed mine. YOU. The friend who someone said, "You should meet" and suddenly 20 years of my life were coloured by you. 

And to each one of YOU I need you to know, time is short and there will never be enough. You may feel sure that you'll knock off your bucket list or finally satisfy that unidentified thing in your core that seems insatiable but I can tell you, you'll run out of time. There will always be one more thing you wanted to do, try, say or complete. Whether you are given 6 hours heads up or 6 years you'll run out of time. And believe me, when goodbye comes its not gonna wait around for you to check off that extra thing or get your crap together. 

So deal with it now. Deal with the ache in your heart that never really gets touched by that next amazon purchase. Deal with the sick feeling that tells you something is wrong in your soul and you drown out with the next thing to do, drink or experience. Deal with the cold hard fact that life is broken and you are too and that stuff happens that shouldn't and leaves you feeling shattered. 

How? Stop trying. You'll never be enough. Stop striving. You'll never create a value for yourself that is rich enough. Stop grasping. You'll never be able to hold on tight enough. Stop running. You will be overtaken. Aren't you tired? Then why not take all the crap, all the hurt, all the brokenness and that gnawing want for an unidentifiable something that claws at your core and dump it at the feet of Jesus. Recognize you are not and cannot be enough. Recognize you are broken, caked in dirt, with nothing to offer and just ask Him to wash you. Heal you. Fill you. No, you have nothing to offer in return and yes, its a huge gift, but you need it. You will search your whole life looking for your truth and will come up empty. You'll claw your way through this miserable life just to find that life has run out and it was all pointless. Or you can lift up your damaged, weak hands and offer your misery to Jesus. And for some reason that we can only define as GRACE, He will grab your misery, touch your brokenness, power wash your dirt and infuse your longing with a satisfaction you cannot fathom. 

Is He a crutch? Sure. But right now I'm standing in front of a door so heavy and enormous that I feel dwarfed. I don't have the courage to walk through it. All I have the energy to do is lie down in front of it and sob. Yet, my God, my Saviour, my Jesus is on the other side of the door and will not only carry me through it but will give the strength and endurance for every single step ahead. I need a crutch and I'm ok with that. My Crutch shows me that I don't have to try, strive or create. My Crutch shows me I don't have to have the courage, strength or perfection. My Crutch gives me the permission to be weak and in that weakness shows His strength perfectly. 

So I'm going to go cuddle with my sobbing girl tonight until she falls asleep and tomorrow He will walk me through that door with all His might powerfully working in me. 

Don't make up your own god. It won't meet you in your need. Meet my Rock and let Him fill you beyond measure. 

I love you. You're running out of time. Will you deal with Him?

Rach