I Cannot Be Silent

A few night ago we had friends over for dinner. Occasionally I test new friendships by pulling out games. Not just any games. The kind of games where you have to make a complete fool of yourself. Let me tell you, it takes you from "You seem nice" to "What happens at the Davis home stays at the Davis home" in no time. You cannot walk away from these encounters unchanged. Either you never want to look at each other again or you are best friends for life. 

This particular dinner we chose to play Poetry for Neanderthals in which you must speak only in one syllable words and are constantly over shadowed by a very large inflatable club. My turn had arrived and the card I needed to get my team to guess was "Big Mouth." "Use to talk. On my face" I began and quickly received the answer "MOUTH!" Ok...how do I get the rest??? "Mine is not small," I continued as the room erupted in laughter and my husband shouted excitedly "BIG MOUTH!!" I wish I could say we won the game but even by awesome Neanderthal impressions were not enough to secure our win. However, I'm thankful to say that these new friends are ones on the best friends list. Or at least they pretend well! 

Some of you have followed my blog story since the early days. In 2020 I stopped blogging after sharing the loss of our fifth 6th baby. Between the pandemic, our loss and a earth shaking cancer diagnosis for my sister I just couldn't muster up the brain power to share how I was being affected. Our third daughter was born in 2021 and the following two years have been a blur. Partially because our third daughter somehow got shipped from the minion department at Universal Studios and partially because the trials of life just became...a lot. My voice honestly disappeared in the winds of the hurricane that hovered over our family and I couldn't muster the energy or brain capacity to share. If I had opened my mouth I knew that the only sound that would come out was a scream. 

At one point during the storm a well meaning individual spoke with my husband and communicated their view of me. While they did not use these words they described a woman who was crippled by the events of her life and so co-dependent on her husband that she absorbed every bit of his time, energy and strength. To say that I was shocked would be an understatement. This definitely was not the way that I that I viewed myself but I knew that I could be massively deceived about myself so I made the very uncomfortable move to seek the counsel and input of others who knew me well. In the course of this exploration it was mentioned that my abnormal public transparency about my struggles had likely been interpreted as an insecure seeking of attention. A uncomfortable weighting down of others. A voice of complaint or grumbling. My dear friends, this was never ever my intention and if this is what was communicated I sincerely apologize. Since the beginning this blog was only ever to share the faithfulness of God in suffering. To show you how God holds tightly to those who feel they are being ripped away in the storms He ordains. To encourage you to endure in your suffering because you are not alone. To remind you that you are known, heard, loved and treasured. Even when you life falls like ash from your hands. 

I am less than one week from walking into a surgery that will change me forever. I will walk into that surgery as this Rachel and will awake 3 hours later different in body and soul. I have prepared as best I can but there is a vast unknown that currently is filled only with the darkest of shadows. A dear friend recently suggested that I consider blogging to share my journey and the faithfulness of God as I walk through this. I suddenly remembered my blog and this morning I blew off the thick layer of dust that had accumulated and walked into the familiar and sweet world of Joy In The Ashes. A world where I found marker after marker of God's faithfulness in trials and comfort in affliction. A place that I pray will not only be a reminder to me but will cause my children, grandchildren, friends and family to marvel at God's loving kindness and greatness. We must not assume that our hurts are meant to be hidden. We cannot bury our bleeding hearts and silently carry our brokenness behind a mask of self-sustaining super power. Our silence in suffering tells others they are unneeded. Our hidden brokenness communicates to a hurting world that they are alone in their mess. And when God faithfully works, as He always will, our muted acceptance of His kindness makes the very rocks of the earth tremble with the need to proclaim Him. 

And so this post is the rebirth of my voice. An invitation to all who read to walk beside me, know my weakness and experience God's greatness with me. I pray that you will walk away from these entries not weighted down but freed to loudly exclaim, "How Great Is This God." We Cannot Be Silent.