Half Way Through

Hello my faithful readers! This particular update will be different from the others that have gone before as I intend to keep it as brief as possible with "just the facts." So here we go!

Four Down

This treatment marked the halfway point in my treatment and the completion of the aggressive "Red Devil" chemo. For those who are new to my journey, these first four treatments were administered by hand in a timed fashion in order to prevent damage to my heart. Each dosage resulted in further deterioration of my health and the weeks after treatment were marked with anemia, shingles of the mouth, low white blood cell counts, nausea and a great deal of pain from head to toe. Thankfully there were many other expected side effects which either did not present themselves or were quite mild. The first two treatments held me down significantly during the first 7 days post treatment but I found myself rebounding almost back to normal by day 10. However, treatments three and four were not as friendly and I experienced only three "good days" between.

Four to Go

While I am praising the Lord that I have concluded the most severe chemos of this course of treatment I am dealing with anxiety of the "unknowns" that will accompany the last four treatments. Others who have done a similar course have experienced far less side effects during the second half of treatment. However, I am under the impression that my energy will continue to dwindle and I will continue to find myself more and more limited in the coming weeks. I feel that I am too far in to see the end or the beginning and I am putting one foot in front of the other day by day.

Ways to Pray

Anxiety

Anxiety has never really been a war that I have personally faced though various times of crisis in my life have allowed me to experience the joys of the occasional panic attack. To this point in my cancer journey I had been rather shocked that I have not dealt with either panic nor anxiety as there have been MANY opportunities for these beasts to rear their ugly heads. However, in the last two weeks, this has shifted and I have suddenly found myself struggling with irrational fears that are almost consuming. I recognize that the topic of anxiety opens doors for many opinions regarding a Biblical response to fear as well as the ramifications of living in a broken body. However, my position in short is that the body is at times pushed to a breaking point which makes it both physically and spiritually prone to attack. Some of this can and should be met with the spiritual armour of battle that comes from the Word of God, the Holy Spirit and a mind held captive by Truth. However, I also believe there are physical consequences of our broken world which wreak havoc on our frail bodies. It is between these two that I now struggle.

I will not pretend that I have not wrestled with my faith and God's goodness in this darkest of valleys. Yet I have seen the consistent prayers of others lifting up my weak arms and cheering me on from the sidelines. So, my dear friends, please keep praying that my mind would remain focused on truth. That in the moments where I feel completely unable to think that my mind would be guarded from the lies of the enemy. Please pray that my heart and soul will experience stillness while the storm rages.

Parenting

Our girls are doing well with all of the transitions and changes of authority over the last several months. When you consider that they have not had the typical "two-parent" house for six months but rather have had a constant fluctuation of various caregivers they truly are doing amazing. With that said, I have seen a heightened emotional response in all three of our girls. Just today one of my daughters asked me, "Mama, does anyone ever take this medicine you are taking and still die?" These are parenting moments that I don't think I will ever feel equipped for. Watching my little girl hold back tears as she leaves me to walk out the door for a play date will never sit well with me. Feeling my two-year-old hold my face and say, "I uh you (I love you)" when I'm too unwell to get out of bed angers me to my core. Day after day I battle rage at the injustice of this world. Life isn't supposed to be this way. So please pray that we will have wisdom to answer their questions, disciple their hearts and patiently guide them through a time that is overwhelming to us. Please also pray for the caregivers who love our girls so well but are putting in very hard work.

Ways to Help

Meals

My current energy and nausea levels are making meals quite difficult to prepare. Our sweet church family has a meal train link which has been a blessing beyond words. There are still a few dates for July should you wish to help in this way. You can find the link for the meal train here

Childcare

The ongoing energy level crisis will likely require childcare help for several more months as I finish chemo and begin the process of healing. A gofundme page has been set up to help finance employing a nanny until I am back on my feet. Should you wish to help in this way you can visit our gofundme page here.

Encouragement

Last but not least please do not cease to drop me little texts and notes as God brings me to your mind. These may seem like small things but they truly are lifelines that help to keep my soul tethered to the cross of Christ right now.

Love to you all!

Rachel