God, I'm Disappointed With You. We're Done.

May 3, 2024

7 min read

The year was 2017. We were seven weeks away from meeting the little girl we planned to adopt when suddenly her birth mother changed her mind about placement. After four miscarriages this new loss crashed over me like an executioner's final blow. We headed out to go camping with my husband's family for the weekend and the 3.5 hour drive was filled with tears of rage and giant accusations again God. If this was the kind of God that I claimed to follow then I wanted none of it. I looked at Andrew and screamed, "I don't know if I even want to believe in God! I don't know if I want anything to do with Him anymore!!" A heavy silence settled over our vehicle and we sat under its weight the remainder of the drive.

This season of life is one of the bleakest I can recall in my 37 years. It was a time when I found the broken trials and sufferings of this world to be almost too much to reconcile with a loving God who is Sovereign over all the events of man. I was tempted to walk away from this "God" and felt quite sure that the "Faith" I'd claimed for years "wasn't for me." As the years have gone by I've found this dark season of my life repeated in the lives of many of those around me. Perhaps you cannot bring yourself to believe in the God of the Bible because the spiralling of this world seems proof in and of itself that He either does not exist or, at the very least, could care less about us. You could be one who believes God exists but you feel sure He has no use for you and you've got life pretty well figured so He can keep to Himself and you'll keep to yours. Maybe you once were brought to the end of yourself and reached out for a "crutch" because you could find no other way out...but life continues to prove to you that "God" isn't all He's cracked up to be. Or you may be one who was raised in the church and taught all the things but real life is different from flannel graph and God keeps letting you down. No matter your background, your upbringing or your class we all find ourselves pounded relentlessly by the winds of suffering and hardship and we all must eventually figure out where we stand with God. So if you find yourself battered by life wondering why I'm dumb enough to still cling to God can I first assure you that I feel massive compassion for your hurt? If you are willing I'd love to explain by sharing a few lessons I've learned in the storm:

I Follow God Because He IS everything, Not to Get Everything

Whether you follow God or not, life is hard. Often it is those very dire moments that bring us to seek God to begin with. We find ourselves totally finite and begin searching for something more because in our deepest selves we know we need something that this world just can't provide. Many people flocked to Jesus for what they could gain. They wanted healing, suffering removed and to be accepted back into their communities. They didn't really want Jesus, the One who provided spiritual freedom and a perfect Kingdom where the brokenness of sin had no hold. They wanted relief for the present life. They could take care of their eternity and standing with God on their own. And so, for a few fleeting years of ease in this broken life they missed the Christ who would have provided them with an eternity of pleasures and face to face communion with God. When Jesus no longer served their wants they demanded his death. In effect, they decided the existence of Jesus, the Son of God, should cease. Sound familiar? He didn't do what I wanted so I'm don't believing in His existence? If we come to Jesus for what we will get we will find ourselves quickly unhappy and walking (maybe running) away. We will find this life is still bleak and broken. We will experience suffering and, in some cases, may find ourselves adding sufferings to our lives as followers are often persecuted for their faith. We do not come to the foot of the cross for a good luck charm or cosmic genie that will magically make our life easier. Rather, we come knowing that everything around us will break and burn but Jesus offers an eternity where sin and death will be no more. Where neither crying nor pain nor grief will ever cast a shadow. Many followers of Jesus became disillusioned by Him after finding that life wouldn't get easy and luxurious by being with Him. Jesus then asked his chosen twelve if they too found the price too high to pay. Peter's response was, "where else can we go Lord? You have the Words of eternal life." The rest of the world could be taken away but if they had Jesus they had everything.

Not Believing in Reality Doesn't Change Reality

God exists. Whether we like it or not the very rocks around us proclaim His glory and all creation shouts His existence. You may choose not to believe in the God of the Bible just as I may choose to believe the Earth is a square. Yet, my belief does not change the reality of what is. The underlying fact is not whether or not you believe but whether or not you are willing to let God be God. You will always worship a god of some kind. There will always be something that you pour your thoughts, efforts and resources into. There will always be a restless need within you. A hunger for something that is never filled.

Security.

Love.

Protection.

Community.

Someone to want you.

The question is if you will believe in THE Great I AM or spend your life trying to create your own version. You can reject God because He isn't doing things your way or you can recognize that your way always leaves you craving more and God alone is worthy of our worship. God alone provides living water which satisfies the weary soul and nourishes all those who abide in Him.

A Tree is Only as Healthy as its Life Source

Psalm 1 says, "Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season and its leaf does not wither."

We have such a tendency to focus on the tree rather than the stream of water. The tree is only safe and secure because it is constantly drawing nutrients from the Stream of Living Water...Christ. The tree does not have roots running above ground searching out sprinkler systems. Rather, the stresses of life have driven its roots deeply into the soil and the tree now flourishes because it is drinking from the abundantly rich supply it has been given. What is this supply? Wise counselors, other followers of Christ, those who push our eyes off this world and on to the next. Even more it is the Word of God. Time spent studying, memorizing and meditating on Scripture.

When I look back on that dark time of life I can truly say that I was running my roots everywhere but God and His Word. I was convinced I would flourish IF...I had a child, a life free of trials, my expectations & dreams met, a better marriage, etc. I challenge you to complete this sentence:

I would flourish if ______________________

If you filled that blank with anything other than, "I knew God more intimately," then you have identified where you are drawing nutrients and strength from. You have named the god that is failing you and you likely can also see that it is a dangling carrot and you are withering as you chase it.

The Picture is Bigger Than You Can See

In the end you can allow yourself to walk away from faith & God and all it entails based on your finite perspective. You can deduce that this life is all there is, live it your way and for a fleeting time you can muddle through the sufferings of this broken world making the best of it based on the way you see it. You'll inevitably find yourself echoing the words of the author of Ecclesiastes who lamented, "Meaningless, Meaningless. All is Meaningless!" (Ecc 1:1) Because without the true God...it is. Or, you can acknowledge that you, your understanding and everything else in this world is broken by sin and in desperate need of a Redeemer. A God who knows the entire picture which we cannot begin to comprehend. A God who knows you, loves you and delights in time with you.To concede your need for someone else to hold all things together by the counsel of His will...even if they make no sense to you. A need to know this God who sustains the universe but condescends humbly to allow you to deeply know Him and be known by Him.

My friend, when life's sufferings and trials threaten to decimate you I beg you not to allow your focus to settle only on the frailty and ease of this life. I plead with you not to create your own god that makes sense to you in order to ease the discomfort you feel with God's control and workings. Rather, I implore you to seek the God of the Bible and watch Him answer you. Pour out your fears to Him and see Him deliver you. Cry out to this Almighty God and be heard by Him. Lift up your troubled and sin stained hands and see Him grab hold and save you. Lie down in peace though trials and storms rage knowing this God encamps around you. Taste His Word and find your starving soul satisfied. Behold Him and see He is gentle, good and kind. Find Him near and full of compassion for your broken heart. See His eyes turned toward yours. Run into His refuge knowing this breath is fleeting but He will hold you for Eternity.

Look to Him. Behold His Glory. Embrace Him as the Great I AM. Suddenly you will find your face shining His Glory, His Truth, His Grace, His Strength and His Greatness.

Suddenly you will find yourself