For Friends & Husbands: 3 Ways to Help When Miscarriage Strikes

The worst had hit. It had been two days since the doctors had confirmed that my first miscarriage was starting. I hadn't known exactly what to expect but the scene that unfolded as I was jolted awake in the middle of the night told it all. After cleaning up as best I could I stumbled into the living room completely aware that I wouldn't be going back to bed soon. As the sting of death threatened to suffocate me I flipped on the living room light and my eyes fell on the beautiful yellow flowers of a potted flower that friends had brought the day before. They had been closed when I had gone to bed that night but God had graciously planned for them to open in the darkness. . .just hours before I would need the beautiful reminder of life.  In my last blog post I covered the phrases which can wound those who have experienced a miscarriage. While there are certainly things that a loving person will seek to avoid, there are a variety of helpful things that you can do to encourage and uplift those who have been touched by miscarriage. Hopefully some of the suggestions below will give you a spring board from which to work. 

1) Fight Her Battle Along Side Her

-Listen Without Judgment

Women who have experienced a miscarriage or other form of loss are often in places of extreme emotional agony. Some may internalize their feelings, but others may look for a release from the pain by verbally processing. During this time a friend or family member may feel torn as a grieving mom expresses "unbiblical thoughts." It is so important to realize that you are being gifted with the privilege of watching her fight one of her deepest spiritual battles. Realistically, Satan would love nothing more than to see her turn her back on everything she believes and curse God. This is a war for her faith. There is absolutely nothing you can do to fight that battle for her. However, you can fight the battle with her. The first way that this can be done is to simply listen as she pours out her hurts. Many times she really actually knows the Truth but she is looking for a safe place to process how her feelings and experiences reconcile with the Truth she knows. 

- Cheer Her On

A second way to help her fight her battle is to cheer her on with deep spiritual truths. There are few things worse than looking at Scripture, the Comfort of God, and finding that it does not penetrate to the depths of your grief. Offering empty cliches or shallow platitudes with a biblical flavour only increases the discouragement. Realistically, her grief may be acting as a shield on her heart that deflects anything and everything in an attempt to protect from further hurt. How can you help then? Make the truth applicable to her pain. How does God's goodness translate when the grip of death is tearing at her body? How does God's faithfulness salve her heart when it seems that God has hidden His face from her? We say that God is the God of all comfort but how so? What sacrificial event resulted in the loss of His child? You can be her greatest comfort by standing beside her and gently encouraging her not to give up with the truths of Scripture. When truth is offered with depth and understanding it will penetrate her grief and become one of her most treasured gifts. 

- Sacrifice For Her

Third, fighting along side your broken sister requires making the sacrifice of love which willingly enters into her fight, no matter the personal cost, and experiences discomfort of her sake. Consider  the analogy of a physical war. If someone was in hand to hand combat, fighting against one of the strongest warriors of the enemy, you could not walk into the fight, offer to help, and then leave 20 minutes later when the battle began to get extremely difficult. A true warrior will put the needs of another first and will be willing to fight beside his comrade no matter how long or exhausting the battle is. All believers are called to war together and have each other's back in the deepest of valleys. Why? Because it is an act of love to sacrifice for one another (John 15:13). However, friends like this are rare because it is so contrary to our fleshly nature. It is vital to keep in mind that ultimately, when fighting in your own strength, you will fail. It is God who will bring her through and produce the endurance and strength needed for victory (II Cor 12:9, Jude 24). 

"Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; You stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and your right hand delivers me." 

Psalm 138:7

2) Strengthen Her Physically

Strengthening your hurting sister is the physical outpouring of God's love and compassion in her life (II Cor 1:3-5). There are so many ways to do this. Due to the fact that everyone is unique, what may be encouraging to one person may be completely frustrating for another. Obviously, it is important to know your friend's likes and dislikes before applying any of these suggestions as blanket "comforts." However, some of the items below will provide ideas from which to work from and can be adjusted to each individual's personalities and needs.

- Make Meals

It has been said that a miscarriage is like a "heavy period." For some this may be the case, but for many this is the furthest thing from the truth. A miscarriage often results in extreme weakness from blood loss. The process lasts anywhere from 4-8 weeks (sometimes more) and is considered one of the most traumatic things to happen to the human body next to a severe car accident. Compound this with the physical effects of grief and the result is often debilitating. When even a shower seems like an overwhelming task the gift of a meal is a treasure. During the first 1-2 weeks after a miscarriage you can show the comfort of the Father by dropping off a breakfast or dinner that is high in iron (beef, beans, spinach, etc) and healthy. 

- Do Her Housework or Laundry

Following closely on the heels of the information above, housework will often be something that gets neglected. Unfortunately, due to the nature of a miscarriage, there is often a great deal more laundry than normal. Helping with these tasks is extremely beneficial. 

- Babysit

Grief and the physical effects of a miscarriage result in a desperate need for sleep. This is our Creator's design of the body for proper healing. Setting up a babysitter (preferably who can take the child to their own home) every day for a week will allow the mother to focus on rebuilding her strength and will help to provide a healthy family atmosphere for grief in the long term. 

- Take Her for a Massage or Spa Day

About a week after my first miscarriage I was having a particularly difficult day. As my husband hugged me he began rubbing my back and, for the first time, I realized how the grief and stress had affected me physically. As his hands gently touched my back I could literally feel tension breaking in my muscles. Grief and death touch us in very physical ways. Some women find themselves tightly wound and battling feelings of ugliness and worthlessness. Something as simple as a 30 minute massage or a mani/pedi can go a long way in helping with healing. You can either go with her to these or give her a gift certificate. While this gift may seem trivial, meeting another's needs through touch is a biblical gift (ex: massaging a sick person with oil, James 5:14) and may be just what is needed. 

3) Let Her Know She Isn't Forgotten

- Remember Anniversaries

Grief journeys may last many years but the hardest part of the journey typically occurs during the first 12 months after loss. During this time there will be many difficult anniversaries that a mommy will have to face (i.e. birthdays, holidays, original due date, anniversary of discovering she was pregnant, anniversary of her baby's death, etc). While the world around her will have moved on, these dates will bring great pain and will cause her to feel very alone. Doing personal research to anticipate what days are the hardest for moms who have experienced loss will speak volumes to her. I would guess that most people are afraid to mention the miscarriage in fear of bringing up a hurtful topic. However, as one nurse told me, "After a miscarriage you can expect to wake up every day for the next 6-12 months and have it be the first thing on your mind." Realistically, a miscarriage mom is thinking about her loss every day. You won't be reminding her...you'll be recognizing it with her. You can help by sending her cards or dropping her an email on these days. Sometimes something as small as a two line Facebook/text message will tell her that you are thinking of her and will be all that is necessary for her to know that neither she, nor her baby, are forgotten. 

- Check In With Her

About 3 months after one of my losses I was at the house of one of those rare friends who has been there to "war" with me as described above. While spending time with her I received a phone call with some news that created a strong trigger of grief. Though I held it together momentarily my friend could see that I was rattled. A while later I left her home and had hardly reached my car before I was a heap of tears. About 3 hours has passed when I received a quick little text from my friend that simply said, "How ya doin?" Honestly? I'd been crying for the full 3 hours! This stands out as one of the most encouraging and compassionate gifts I've been given on this journey. If you see a trigger happen don't be scared to recognize it and gently check in with her.

Regardless of what path(s) you choose to take to demonstrate love there is one critical thing to remember. Ultimately, you have no idea how God will use even the smallest gift of love to encourage someone else and bring glory to Himself. A seemingly insignificant gift can become something of great significance...like a closed up potted flower.