Delays, Anger & A New Song

The last ten years of trial after trial have definitely grown my trust in the Lord and made me far more willing to peacefully wait on the Lord when life doesn't make sense. Up until the last week I can honestly say that I have not once struggled with being angry toward God or even disappointed in His plans. I've been scared, sad, and worried but not angry. However, about a week ago the Lord saw it good to begin a new level of sanctification in my life with the tiniest of mouth sores. Now, let me be honest, mouth sores hurt. They are annoying and are excellent at turning my mood sour fast. Initially I had two but without warning I had suddenly had NINE of these little boogers lining my tongue, teeth, throat and the back of my mouth.

I started to do all the various recommended things consisting of rinses and cutting out foods but this one spot seemed to be swelling and growing and the pain coming from it grew rapidly day to day. By Tuesday morning we had tried various mouth washes and pain killers and this one "sore" was just not responding. I mean, when a mouth sore isn't touched by codeine I start to take the pain seriously. I decided to go in to urgent care since the extreme pain was now radiating through my teeth, jaw, sinuses, ear and eye and it was so difficult to swallow that I was drooling. Fun Fun. I dragged my sorry little bum into triage where they quickly got me to the room that I would wait in for the next four hours. I'll spare you the full four hours of details but in short, the nurse who was assigned to my care quickly introduced herself as a breast cancer survivor and every bit of my emotional resolve crashed to the floor in ugly tears. This beautiful nurse grabbed a stool and scooped me up in the most gigantic bear hug she could. She rocked me back and forth and said, "You cry honey. You just cry." The care that she continued to give me was amazing. I hadn't eaten in 24 hours and she very gently urged me to drink apple juice and even brought me cheese (I seriously wondered if it was from her own lunch)! She wrapped me up in a warm blanket since it was, "the closest thing I could think of to a constant hug" and she shared her own story with me while I waited for the Doctor. The hours passed and the Doctor sat completely baffled as to the cause of my pain due to the fact that she couldn't see any sores in my mouth. Yes, my mouth was very raw but the typical blisters didn't exist. Eventually I was given a low dose of morphine and sent home with more medications for thrush and the hope that it would do something. I came home and crashed in my bed. The morphine had cut the edge of the pain but I would have still ranked my pain at an 8 even on morphine and ibuprofen.

When I woke up there was a voicemail from the urgent care doctor saying that she had consulted with my oncologist and another specialist at the cancer centre and they all felt that there was a good chance my issue was not thrush but shingles. Another prescription was called in and, after taking it, I finally started to make progress. Slow, but clear progress. Out of caution my oncologist felt that it would be wise for us to postpone chemo until May 8th to let my body heal. Cue the anger. Not anger at her. Anger at God. "You KNOW whats going on! You KNOW that I have things planned for my good weeks which will now be my BAD weeks!! You KNOW how incredibly hard this is already and you thought THIS would be for my GOOD?!" Like a warning rumble I remembered God's words to Job in Job 38:2-4:

“Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge?

Dress for action like a man;

I will question you, and you make it known to me.

“Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?

Tell me, if you have understanding."

"Ok Lord. I get it. I'm sorry. But the pain...it's so bad...will you please just take the pain?"

He didn't immediately change anything but He did change my perspective and gave grace for every moment of it. Eventually the pain started to subside significantly and I could think clearly again. Suddenly, like a flood new song lyrics started pouring into my exhausted brain. Like a prayer I found myself pouring out a song of praise to the tune of a familiar old hymn.

So, dear friend, I'll wrap up this update. On the morning of May 8th I will have a port surgically implanted to make my chemo treatments easier to administer and then I will have my second chemo treatment that afternoon around 4pm. My scalp is quite sore, as is the inside of my nose, which indicates that my hair is getting ready to fall out. It's getting really real. Yet, in the midst of it my soul is back to a place of quiet and I've again found God to be faithful and kind even when the winds are raging.

I thought I would share my song with you tonight. My throat is still sore and I'm by no means an awesome producer but I I pray that despite my flawed performance your heart is encouraged. No matter the journey remember our Gentle Shepherd, Loving Father and Stone of Help. He will not fail you.

Rach