Cancer...Didn't See That Coming

So I had cancer. Have cancer? Honestly I don't know right now. What I do know is that I hadn't mentally prepped for that possibility. 

The tissue removed during a mastectomy is routinely sent to pathology even if cancer is not suspected in order to ensure that the tissue did not have any surprises. Yesterday the pathology report finally came through and as I read it the words seemed to bounce off my brain like ping pong balls. Inductive Ductal Carcinoma. I know those words. That's what my sister had. That's cancer. No, I had a mastectomy to make sure I didn't get that so maybe thats what the report is saying. No, it's saying Left Breast. It's saying Tumour. Just to make sure I had my sister read it. I watched as her breathing changed. "Tell me thats not saying what I think it's saying!!" I begged her. But she couldn't change the truth. We called the family doctor who removed any remaining questions. 

I hung up and freaked out. I snapped at my kid to get out of the room so I could talk to Andrew and then upset the entire family atmosphere as I sobbed and shook. Definitely not my finest response. After about 45 minutes I calmed down and re-read my blog post that I had written yesterday morning. "...slip your hand into the hand that made you and identifies with your pain. Look into the eyes that assure you, 'It's good' and follow freely with the assurance that God won't lead you into a trap." Suddenly I saw in my minds eye my littlest looking up at me with worried eyes seeking assurance that this strange new experience was good. I envisioned myself looking back at her with certainty and seeing her fears melt. I remembered II Corinthians 1:3-5 which assured me that God is, " the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too." And as if Jesus had audibly spoken the words my soul responded to the command, "Peace. Be Still."

This morning I woke up and made several phone calls to gather more information about what would come next. As it is still early we know only that the tumour was stage 1, fairly large and grade III which is the most aggressive kind of cancer. Thankfully I have been undergoing MRIs every 6 months so I know that this tumour is "new" as it was not present in my August scan. My margins were clear meaning that they theoretically removed all of the cancer but my lymph-nodes have yet to be tested so we don't know if it has spread to the lymphatic system. On Monday my surgeon will be presenting my case to the "Tumour Board" at the Tom Baker Cancer Centre in Calgary where a panel of experts will determine what, if any, further treatment and tests need to follow. Tuesday I will have a phone appointment with my surgeon who will then inform me of their decision and plan out any necessary next steps with me. 

I'm not going to lie to you. I'm scared. I'm not scared to die but I'm scared of the unknown, the impact this could have on my family and the looming reality that life is likely not going to return to "normal" for a very long time...if ever. I honestly can't fully wrap my mind around the fact that I had and may still have cancer. To even say that seems like an out of body experience. 

I don't have any sage words of wisdom at this point really. It's just another opportunity for me to actually live out what I say I believe. Pray for me as I come to mind over the weekend. Pray that my mind will stay firmly fixed on truth. Pray that my soul stays quiet in the shelter of of the Most High. Pray that the Tumour board will make the right choice in next steps. Pray that God will protect my girls and my husband as we whether a storm that none of us saw coming.