Biblical Step Parenting & Reckless Love

It was 2013. I had been browsing through profiles on a dating website for months and the only result was to dig up creeps, predators and mama's boys.

Then, on January 31st, a man from Canada contacted me. I pulled up his profile before responding and saw several pictures of him and his tween daughter. I laughed to myself as I thought, "No. I don't want kids." 

Fast forward 9 months and I was standing at the altar saying "I do." Somehow God had changed my heart and I had fallen head over heals in love with this man and his daughter. For the sake of her privacy we will call her "Kay." As I stood there saying my vows I had a vague idea that I wasn't just committing to this incredible man, but I was also committing to whatever scary waters came with being a step mom. Sadly, I had very little idea of what was in those dark waters because it was a hush hush topic that no one was willing to talk about. From the lack of biblical conversation on this topic the message was clear: "Good christian girls get married to virgins. The rest of you are pretty much on your own." Maybe that wasn't the message that was intended to be blared out there, but that was very much how it felt. I didn't really care about what other people thought but I did care about royally messing up my relationship with this young woman. I read the one book I could get my hands on that was even remotely "christian" and found myself wading through so much garbage that I finally put the book aside and decided I'd just have to live moment by moment trying to figure it out as best as I could. During the following months I did everything I could to mimic the amazing mom I had been given. I poured myself out trying my best to love and guide Kay. All the while I was trying to figure out what it meant to be a new wife, living with a virtually strange man, in a completely new country. What shocked me was how much I battled jealousy towards the relationship that Kay had with her dad. I felt tossed around on some wild ocean as I tried to determine my place in her life. I would physically do the things that I thought were showing love only to have them many times rejected. About 6 months after I moved in I watched with a broken heart as Kay moved out. I watched my husband grieve the loss of a relationship built and established over many years. I cried knowing that my existence and marriage into this family had exasperated the situation and resulted in this choice.

It's been over a year since that sad day. Nothing could have prepared my husband and I for the fire we would walk through afterwards. Not only were we grieving, but we were doing everything we could think of to strengthen that relationship and repair it only to have every attempt rejected. Many didn't understand what had happened or our methods. No book on step parenting could have steeled my heart for the criticism that would come our way. Thankfully, God is faithful and He didn't fail us. With each step that we walked He guided us. Each time our knees buckled He was holding us. And each time we wondered if we could trust Him, He reminded us that we could. I've been hesitant to write on the topic of step parenting because I am the first to admit I don't have this figured out. I don't have any amazing answers or deep insights. Yet, God has been teaching me two things over the past 1 1/2 years and I think its time I shared them. 

True Satisfaction

When I first became a step mother I honestly, though subconsciously, expected to find satisfaction and fulfillment in my new role. I had everything: A husband, a daughter, a ready made family. This is what every woman wants right? This is what makes every woman feel complete and whole. When my step daughter left I berated myself for my inadequacy. At the same time I was starving for something to fill that void I had been trying to fill. I constantly needed my husband to affirm that he needed me and wasn't going to leave me or trade me for his daughter. If she came to visit I found myself battling panic attacks. How should I act? Should I spend time with them and act like the mom I wanted to be or should I hide and let them have their time? Who was I?

I can be completely honest and say that I still battle with these questions. Like I said, I don't have this figured out. But what I have come to realize is that there is one thing that solves every question and eases every fear. The key is where I find my satisfaction. If I find my satisfaction in my husband's approval, my step daughters opinion of me, or my step daughter's mom's feelings towards me, I'll always find myself lost and walking on egg shells. How do I stop that? By finding my rest, refuge and identity in my God. When Satan whispers, "You are a failure. That's why she left" I need to turn my focus to truth and hear the words of God say, "For it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure (Philippians 2:13)." When I hear the lie that I could have controlled the situation and kept her from leaving I must turn my eyes to Scripture and know, "Our God is in the heavens; He does all that He pleases (Psalm 115:3)." And when my heart tries to deceive me into believing I need my step daughter's love, or my husband's assurances, to feel like things are "right" I must cling to the truth that God's love alone satisfies. I must remind myself of God's words when He said, "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness (Jeremiah 31:3)." 

Love is Sacrifice

The second truth I am learning is, just as God has loved us, so we are called to love one another. John 13:35 says, "By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." Again, in I John 4:7 we are told, "Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God." This seems simple, but in reality, the kind of love that is being demanded here is something far different from what our culture defines as love. It's a love that was so deep that it caused God to give His only Son to die for a planet full of people who could give Him nothing in return. It was a love that required full sacrifice of personal comfort, reputation, position, and treasures. This wasn't a good feeling toward someone that results in wanting to buy them clothes or birthday cards. This wasn't even a strong passionate emotion that made Him invested in the life of another. No. It was a love so strong and deep that no sacrifice was too great. I have often had to evaluate the validity of my love. As I mentioned earlier, my initial love for my step daughter really came down to what I could get in return. If i was going to love her I wanted her love in return. If I was going to give her special gifts I wanted her to use them and throw her arms around my neck in appreciation. If I was going to pour into her life I wanted her to respond with enthusiasm and fulfill that longing part of my heart. Can I be honest my friends? This was not love. This was selfish attempts for personal satisfaction. I was only willing to show love when I knew I would get something in return. This was hatred disguised as love. How do I know this? Because I became angry when I spent hours shopping for Christmas presents only to find them untouched and forgotten about months later. I lost my temper when I would write her countless letters and never receive a response. I decided I wasn't going to try to show love and would just "bow out" of her life because she didn't reciprocate my love. For all these reasons and more, I know that I was not loving her. If I had been showing the love of God it would have simply blossomed and grown no matter the response because it would have been given from a heart that sacrificially gave while expecting nothing in return. "By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers (I John 3:16)."

A few months ago God began revealing these truths in my life in countless areas beyond just my relationship with my step daughter. My heart was broken and I began asking God to give me a true love for this young woman that God had gifted to me. I have asked Him to cause my heart to long for Him and Him alone. I have begged Him to satisfy me with Himself and nothing (and no one) else. The beauty of these pleas for help is that they have not gone unheard. Yes, I am human and do tend to err back to my sinful ways. Yet, I have come to understand a peace from finding my full satisfaction in Him. I have come to see my heart pouring out unnatural love regardless of whether or not I ever receive any love back. The more I contemplate it the more I come to the conclusion that the key to step parenting, and really the key to living biblically, is, "in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God (Romans 12:1)." It is only when we look to the cross and see Christ's sacrificial love that we can turn and offer our bodies as living sacrifices.

My friend, if you are a step mom you may or may not be experiencing rejection from the children God has given to you. Regardless, can I encourage you to look to your God and saturate yourself in the satisfaction that only He can provide? Drink deeply from the fountain of grace that will fill you up beyond description and never leave you thirsty. Love recklessly regardless of what you receive in return. You are simply called to obey and watch as God's glory streams into the broken fragments of your beautiful life.