A Strangely Wrapped Gift

Originally Posted March 2021

Two days ago I found myself at a familiar trail head. It has been four years since I have traversed it and, though the way is a bit overgrown, I can still clearly see my own footprints impressed into each mile. Let me be frank, I hate this trail. I hike it only when forced and more than once it has tried to kill me. Yet, there I was knowing that there was no other way. What is the name of this trail that preys on it's travelers? MISCARRIAGE. 

Just over a week from the day that we celebrated the news of a new pregnancy I awoke to find myself actively miscarrying our seventh child. Seven. I now have birthed 5 children who's faces I have not seen, genders I do not know and personalities I cannot imagine. 10 hands that will never hold mine. Truthfully it boggles my mind. 

We had ventured to the mountains for a pandemic style vacation but this new development required an immediate return home. Through blurred, tear filled eyes I began throwing our belongings into random bags as my husband hurriedly packed our van. As I wrestled to put clothes on my squirmy two year old a bright light caught my eye. I looked out the window to see the sun rising against the towering mountain that was the view from our balcony. As though someone spoke I was reminded of the words, "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness" (Lam 3:22-23).

This verse is one of nearly 250 uses of the word "hesed" in the Hebrew Bible. This word does not have a direct translation into english but it carries the concept of steadfast, loyal, astonishing kindness. It is a love that cannot alter and is displayed by God toward His chosen people. It is not merely an emotion or feeling of God but an action on behalf of someone in need. It is God, knowing our humanity, our short comings, our fragility, our complete inability, coming alongside us in His all powerful, complete, unbreakable sufficiency to bestow on us astonishing kindness through His grace and mercy. What love is this!

As we began our sad journey home we followed the mountain range like a pencil along a ruler. We marvelled at the way the mountains act as a dim reflection of the unchanging faithfulness of God. From our brief human experience these mountains seem to be the same day after day, year after year. They have existed far before our birth and will likely remain long after my name is forgotten on this earth. It was in this marvelling that we noticed a common theme running through the various passages God was bringing to mind: Hesed. 

“The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness. . ." Exodus 34:6

"Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; for his steadfast love endures forever!" I Chron 16:34

"But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord, because he has dealt bountifully with me." Psalm 13:5-6

". . .Through the steadfast love of the Most High he shall not be moved." Psalm 21:7

God in His loving kindness has chosen us as His children. Through my almost 35 years He has faithfully remained and has showered me with undeserved favour. He has secured for me an eternity that cannot be removed and will not be stolen away. Nothing that I did brought me into His love and nothing I do or don't do will take it away. In His hesed He has promised that there is coming a day in which all tears will be wiped away. All mourning will cease. A day in which I will never again feel the injustice of death robbing my womb or the helplessness of life draining from my body. And so, we felt it only appropriate to name our seventh child Hesed. This child, this miscarriage, are strangely wrapped gifts that are deepening our understanding of God and strengthening our relationship with Him. While painful, these gifts are only causing us to know joy abounding because they are handed to us by One Who's kindness and love is so vast that it cannot be summed up in one word. 

As I write this I am tired. Each word seems to demand such energy that my mind wonders if it can finish coherently. My body feels traumatized as though it has been running a marathon while I have accomplished very little today. My heart feels the sting of death and anger at the unfairness of a life that lasted little more than 30 days. Yet my soul cannot shake these words which flow from it like a song, 

"The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places, indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. I bless the Lord who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure. For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol or let your holy one see corruption. You make known to me the path of life, in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." Psalm 16